Can't Rain All The Time

We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.
- Jane Siberry, "It Wont Rain All The Time"

So  the past few weeks have been pretty much hell. I have had a complete collapse of self confidence and fell into a hole of depression and self- loathing. I have been trying to clamber my way out of this hole without causing any undue hardship on people who don't need it. It's really hard to feel like you have anyone to talk to when you feel like all you're doing is burdening people with your bullshit. No matter how many times someone says "I don't mind, really, you need to vent!" It doesn't help. No matter how many people say "I'm here for you if you need me." It doesn't help. No matter how many people want to help, the fact of the matter is, there really isn't anything that anyone can do to help. 

People say when you get down, the worst thing you can do is stay home, that you need to go out and be with friends, that you need to be around people who care. The problem is, I don't know how to tell if people actually care or if they are just trying to cheer me up so they don't feel uncomfortable. When you're lost, and can't see and feel like you're under a heavy cloud of depression, things become distorted and don't really make much sense anymore. And whats worse, is when you're already in 'self hate mode' and people start pushing their expectations on you. I know who I am, I know what I have and what I don't have, and I don't need to be consistently reminded of the things I do not have. I know I don't have them and I know it's inconvenient. So what am I supposed to do about it? I don't really know the answer to that, but what I am doing about it is venting. Journaling. Getting it out!!!! Don't let it fester, Don't let it build up inside, Get it out on paper so it doesn't become a toxin that infects my system and pulls me into a poisoned place. 

So yes, I have been Journaling again. It feels good. Its refreshing, liberating and healing. I have been telling other people for months to start journaling and their stress levels will go down, but of course as per the norm, I'm great at dishing it out but do I ever take my own advice? Nah, of course not! So..."The truest test is when we cannot see"** I'm fighting my way out of blindness, trying to determine light from dark without knowing which is which and the strongest urge I have had through all of it is the urge to run.  Run away, start over again somewhere where people don't know me. Erase all my info online and start over anew. Problem is...running never solves anything. So its been a constant struggle for me to fight this urge. Right now. All I know is that "it wont rain all the time, the sky wont fall forever."** I do have people who care about me, and don't want to see me fall, fail or die trying. I do have light at the end of this tunnel, it's just a matter of getting to it. 

Until Next Time, Au Revoir Bloggers.

** - Quotes from the song 'Can't rain all the time" by Jane Siberry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfZzkhfz89c